Reflections on Social Anxiety

It’s funny, it might seem like I am evil, but I seek attention when I have that hole. I want to play the guitar loud to get attention, because I feel abandoned by the people around me. Before I do anything, I feel like I need someone to fill that hole. But the thing is, when I seek it, I deepen it. I guess I just want someone to be around, quiet, while I do my own thing. If I go out with a friend to a café or a bar, I would be too busy trying to prove myself to them. I have nothing to do at the café than talk to them, so I can’t read a book or play my games. If I do manage to chill with someone, outside, be comfortable enough to be in each other’s company but still do my own thing, it’s a good feeling, but it’s very rare.

I always scan people in a public space. Most people feel threatened. The men exaggerate their postures and the women think I'm hitting on them and try to look at me back. I just want to be acknowledged but ignored. Admittedly, I do tend to look more at the girls that are pretty. It’s rude to stare to either genders, I know, but the unknown is terrifying: What if they are looking at me? Otherwise I would feel frozen, watched, at all times.

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Nabil Houari

Nabil Houari

Utopianist, in the lines between fiction and reality. I’m a social science researcher & I blog on lifestyle and mental health.